Former columnist for the Los Angeles Post Examiner, the Baltimore Post Examiner, and Gatehouse News Service

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Seriously Siri, Lay Off

 I never thought I would say this, but I have lost my husband Fred to another woman.  Her name is Siri. She lives inside my husband's phone, and she is always helpful and never crabby.  Her cousin, Lady GPS, lives in my husband's car, and she helps him a lot more than I do, many days.  He is buffetted by two smooth, sexy and VERY knowledgeable female voices all day long.  I wonder what my voice sounds like as I screech, "I don't know what we're having for dinner!  Am I the only one who knows how to put a pot on the stove?" No wonder he turns to the ever-instructive Siri ("Siri, what is the number for Chinese take-out near me?") I feel like I have to up my game!

My husband held on to his old Blackberry for a long time.  The silver finish had peeled off, and it's poor metal body was scraped up, banged up, and washed up.  It was also the smaller-size Blackberry, so we all felt for him as he held the tiny thing to his head, making business deals, calling friends and family, or of course, ordering take-out.  When he ordered his new Iphone 5 (when he goes, he goes big), there was great rejoicing throughout our land...my 13 year old checked the mail breathlessly each day, eager for his dad to become less Flintstone, more Jetson.

Well, be careful what you wish for. My man is an app-ed up, video-making, Siri-talking, Pandora-listening dude, and I am strugging for some Facetime (literally...when is he going to install that?  Can it be that he doesn't want to see my face in close-up, makeup-free, unfocused glory?) The old phone lies next to the bed with nary a glance or a touch from it's erstwhile owner. Meanwhile, Fred walks around the house with his earphones in - occaisionally he will wordlessly give me one to put in my ear; it's like I'm being invited into his secret universe - and his Iphone in his pocket, never too far from him. I tried to take it from him to see his camera roll, and he actually resisted, pulling it away from me!  The internet says it is never a good thing when you can't check out your beloved's phone, but I'm only jealous of two women: Siri and Lady GPS.  And if they learn to make tiramisu or drive kids to hockey...I could be in trouble.