Former columnist for the Los Angeles Post Examiner, the Baltimore Post Examiner, and Gatehouse News Service

Sunday, March 17, 2013

NASCAR Family








 
There are two sentences that I say all of the time these days, to the point where I can see them etched on my tombstone. These two sentences are, "Can you get me your keys?" and "Can you move your car?"  I say these phrases so often because we have four drivers living under one roof (a roof that only two of the drivers currently pay for). Our oldest sons are both living at home right now, and although we rarely see them, they do have cars, which they park here when they are unconscious at night in their beds. We also co-habitate with our fourteen year old, who for now only has a bike. For now.

Each evening we show the logistical and strategic acumen of a Nascar pit crew. If you put a headset on my husband and slapped a few logos on his sweatpants and tee shirt, he could pass for the real thing. Our conversations go like this:

Fred (holding clipboard): "Okay, I'm glad we're all here in the family room. Please enjoy the pizzas I paid for. Now. Let's discuss tomorrow's driveway strategy. I have to be out at 8:30, so I need for my car to be in Slot 1. Anyone leaving earlier?"

Me: "I am going to the barn at 7:30 to see the horse, so I need Slot 1. But, I have not been able to locate my keys since about 4:45 this afternoon. Everyone keep an eye out, could you? Last known location was my purse, but I can't seem to find that, either..."

Matt: "I can take Slot 2 because I can go in late to the office - I'll be leaving about 9. If anyone moves my car - the keys will be under the driver's seat - can you not move the bath towel hanging from the passenger-side window? My window just fizzled out on that side."

Young Fred: "Has everyone forgotten I'm a landscaper? I need to be moving by 6 AM! Slot 1 is mine, and I am recommending Slot 2 for Dad, 3 for Matt, and 4 for Mom. Did I get that right? Oh, and my friend Bob is coming over tonight to watch a video, so if he parks in Slot 1, is anyone leaving?"

James (14 year old): "I will probably want a Shamrock Shake around 9 PM tonight. Can Mom have Slot 1now if she parks curbside when we get back? Then Bob will still be Slot 1 when we get back. And Mom can stay curbside and take me to school on the way to the barn. Right?"

Needless to say, you only want Slot 4 (closest to house, in or near garage) if you are suffering from the flu, are under house arrest, or have lost your keys and have little hope of finding them, therefore depending on rides from your family. I am very familiar with Slot 4.

Gentlemen and Lady...start your engines!

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