Former columnist for the Los Angeles Post Examiner, the Baltimore Post Examiner, and Gatehouse News Service

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Free All the Willies, Everywhere

Okay, so one day you are minding your business, going to get something to eat, or watching your kids play, when a huge sea mammal comes out of the water and grabs you and two or three friends, and drags you into the ocean.

You are without your family, coffee is just a dream now, and it turns out that you are living here - forever.  The huge water creatures teach you tricks, feed you when you perform, and name you Goober or Popcorn.  At night you can hear the free humans, above the surface and back on land, calling your name. They sound sad, and distant, but you can hear them.  Always.

One day, you decide that you have had it. One of the huge sea creatures wants you to stand on your head and rub your belly, and he is laughing.  You are never getting out of here, you see that now, and your nature is to fight back. You didn't ask for this. So, without even realizing it, you charge the sea mammal, and you hurt him; bad.  He might even be dead.

You were kidnapped, put in a small cage to live, and your loved ones and your natural habitat are tantalizingly close.  But because you did what humans do...you might be killed.  Shame on you for getting caught.

WHALES BELONG IN THE OCEAN AND PEOPLE BELONG ON THE LAND!!  IF GOD HAD WANTED WHALES TO BE PETS, HE WOULD HAVE MADE THEM SMALLER, TAMER, AND ABLE TO WEAR DESIGNER CLOTHES AND FIT INTO A PURSE.  WHAT ARE WE DOING TO THE ANIMALS?

Okay, all done with that. :-) In other news, I may read a column I wrote about Grammy years ago at her memorial, and I just hope I can get through it.  Sh will help me out, I know.  She would have sided with the whale, by the way...all the way.

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